Our Secret Den
by Girl U. Dontno
Summary: The insane ramblings of a young man named Ben Paul. BenxDoug


_**Our Secret Den**_

_~a fanfic written from Ben Paul's traumatized point of view~_

_-post Doug's death in Episode 3-_

* * *

As I lie back in that RV, face freezing and eyes wide open in shock, one name races through my mind - Doug. He didn't have to do it. I'd actually be in less pain if he hadn't. I wouldn't have felt a thing! Lilly would've pulled the trigger and I wouldn't have noticed. I'd be dead before I had the time!

But he did do it. He grabbed onto me and jumped in front. That short, final caress was the sweetest thing, and it has only left me with sadness. I couldn't believe it at the moment, but now that I realize... A moment Doug was there, fighting by my side, and then suddenly he was gone, dropped to the floor and dead. I didn't want him to leave.

Doug...

Was I your Carley just then?

Was saving my life worth it to you?

Where are you?

Probably back there, eating someone alive as a walker. I don't know if I could stand to see you that way. Maybe if Lilly shot you in the head instead of the neck… you'd be free of this chaotic world.

...No...

Tell ya what; if it's you, I'll let you eat me! Devour me right up! Go ahead! Do it! I won't even struggle! Maybe then I'll be with you! I'll be undead just like you! Oh, yes! Please! Let me free of this cursed world! Let me free of this fighting group! Doug! Please come back! When I lost my friends, you were the one to cheer me up! You were the one to pick me up off the ground! Unfortunately... I can't do the same for you. Not now.

I've loved and lost, and loved and lost again. Now it all feels like a never-ending loop of suffering. I don't even know what to think, or who to trust anymore.

I can't believe all this has happened in just a few days... I'm sorry this had to happen. I really loved you, Doug. I wanted to spend the rest of my days in your arms, just listening to you talk on about things I could barely understand.

Confusion was ecstasy. It had me forget all the despair going on around us. The only thing I could focus on was that sweet face of yours, just begging me to draw closer. And it was our little secret.

At least until _she_ came along.

**Lilly.**

**Lilly.**

**Lilly.**

**I**

**am**

**going**

**to**

**kill**

**her.**

I clutch the gun in my hands tighter and point it at the sleeping monstrosity sitting in the chair across from me. I bend my body over the table so I'm close enough for the muzzle to just barely touch her forehead. As I place a trembling finger on the trigger, I can feel my heart quaking.

'You will pay for what you've done to us!' I shout inside. But in a matter of seconds, I drop the weapon and give up my sadistic fantasy of revenge.

I can't do this.

I-I'm not a murderer. I'm a band member. At least I was until the whole world tipped over on its side.

I made that deal with the bandits so I could be reunited with a friend, a small part of me that was left behind as I joined this group. I thought that maybe I wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

At the time, Doug was in a depression as well and wasn't paying much attention to me. He began drifting off into his own thoughts whenever we talked and he didn't look at all happy. I wanted to spend time with him, ask him what was wrong, but we both had assigned jobs to keep busy, and we had them away from each other. The group had surely caught on to our affairs by then and separated us for that reason alone. We needed to constantly be reminded that there was no time for romance in today's world. I was foolish. The thought of one of my dear friends, alive and awaiting my rescue comforted me. If I had known it would destroy the one person I now held closest, I would've never done it.

I remember our last words together:

_"Look-out isn't as fun as it seems, huh?" _

_He says the joke warmly, and without looking away from his work on the wall._

_"It isn't fun. Not at all," I say back. "So..."_

_I begin to say something but swallow it somehow, as if I was venturing out of the shallow end and into deeper water._

_"Yes?" he asks._

_I instead explain my thoughts in four simple words. _

_"We need to talk."_

_I can tell he knows what I'm referring to by the silence in his voice, but still, he keeps asking questions._

_"About what?"_

_"...Things... The group... You and I."_

He concludes monotonously, "We do."

I eventually caught him alone and told him about my agreement with the bandits. He understood my reasoning and advised me to tell the others, but I just couldn't find a time appropriate enough for such a reveal. Then, before I knew what was happening, Lilly was pointing fingers and yelling, and Doug took the bullet with my name on it.

We never got the time to talk about the other things - the lovelier things; the kind of things that would cheer a guy up instantly.

Now that I'm thinking about it, it never mattered anyway. Nothing ever mattered. As everyone in our group knew, it's survival of the fittest out here in this new world. We could have been something. We could have shared a few last moments of love before everyone and everything died out. It's exactly the reason we were separated. Something was bound to happen sometime or other. They were probably just looking out for us. Still, I can't stop my heart from hurting. All of those moments spent together, all those wasted days...

No! I'll die if I keep thinking this way! I need to focus on staying alive now! But... I don't know how much longer I'll have the will to. Not without him. Not all alone.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I give up.


End file.
